Nothing can ever be easy or it’s that I don’t trust things that aren’t tinged with some kind of suffering I’ve realized this is foreign to other people. I find some pleasurable indulgences disgusting And maybe that’s wrong of me to moralize, I don’t know and I also don’t really care I’m like a live wire and I feel like I’m wrongly characterized (always by men) as catlike and combative. I actually just have no patience and hate how most people are reckless with language and unobservant. But in true impossible-to-please fashion, I am afraid when they really start to see me, I’ve been invisible for so long I don’t think I can bear being witnessed — I don’t even trust it. I don’t even buy the fantasy of it. I know it exists and I’m sure I’ve had it before but I don’t really know how much of anything is just projected desire. Maybe it’s irrelevant or it’s impossible to know. Either way, maybe I do react like a caged wild cat when someone gets too close. But I need to be engulfed. Conflicting wants Conflict-in-desires This man said he needs my skin to his teeth. This other man started saying I love you during sex and in our sleep together They both have contempt for me I’m always surprised by how oppressive the heat is down here. I’m always surprised by summer, like I’ve never experienced it before. It’s hot and it’s hard to sleep I can’t cry anymore and I’ve been trying I’m hurt in some ways I am unaware of but I feel it anyways. I know it’s there Phantom wounds I always need something else and more
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